The Purpose of Discord on the Path of Love

I have vowed to live my life guided by the Song of Songs, each line sending me to the curriculum of Love. Perhaps one of the most disturbing passages in the Song describes the painful search for the Beloved.

I looked for him but could not find him. I called, but he did not answer. Then the watchmen who circle the city found me. They beat me; they bruised me. The watchmen of the walls tore the shawl from my shoulders.
(Song of Songs 5:7)

Beaten and bruised, the Lover turns to her companions, the “Daughters of Jerusalem”, for help and understanding. We are all the Daughters of Jerusalem; all who are suffering turn to us for support. And we are that Lover who has been beaten and bruised by Life, looking for meaning, struggling to make sense of our pain. Our spiritual quest for love sends us to the challenge of metabolizing and refining that raw pain, through compassion and awareness. In this process of dealing with our pain and making peace with the powerful, disrupting force of discord, we become healers of ourselves and then of our world.

A Fearless Accepting Presence

I remember a pivotal moment when I was given a glimpse of the positive role of discord on the path of love. It happened at a workshop for therapists that was taught by Dr. David Schnarch, author of Passionate Marriage. He was doing a demonstration by counseling a couple on stage. The couple was yelling at each other, and I was cringing in the audience, so very triggered by their anger and conflict. I wanted them to just stop. And I wanted to run away. In contrast, Dr. Schnarch, was radiant, relaxed and confident. It seemed to me that he was able to guide them back to connection through the quality of his presence, a quality of spacious, loving, non-judgmental witness. I watched this happen and was amazed. I looked at Dr. Schnarch and said to myself, “I want that.”

His fearless accepting presence created a space where the tangle of discord could unravel, where the dissonant, distorted energy of argument could be revealed as love and as passion.

This was a “seed moment” showing me a possibility that I couldn’t have imagined. I have cultivated and nurtured that seed of possibility as I encounter discord in many different dimensions of life- in the body, in relationship, in community, and in the world.

Purpose of Dissonance

I am a musician, a composer, a lover of music. Melody takes me on a journey. through the adventure of melody, I am opened, sent on an exploration, inspired, taken to new places. When two or more tones meet in harmony, I am lifted up, soothed, and expanded. Yet when the journey towards harmony traverses the realms of dissonance, the harmony that emerges from that dissonance is so much more powerful and impactful than what harmony alone can achieve. As a musician I have learned that a discordant note offers depth, tension and poignancy, while sending me to expand the chord, opening me to the possibility of a powerful resolution.

The incense that was burned in the ancient Holy Temple in Jerusalem was made up of perhaps 11 different precious ingredients. Together those components mixed to create a unique and powerful scent that could elevate consciousness. One of those ingredients, when burned by itself, would smell completely awful. But mixed with the other sweet scents, it added a depth and complexity that had the power to awaken and transform our awareness. That discordant note was part of what made the incense holy.

I see my marriage with Rachmiel as a living laboratory where we get to learn about love. And of course, we learn from our pain-filled mistakes as well as our moments of glorious connection. Whenever we hit a difficult passage, I remind myself that there is more love waiting for us on the other side, if only we have the faith, patience, honesty and determination to move through the discomfort of discord, and to know those discomforts as growing pains.

Challenge of Discord

The challenge of discord is to welcome and trust it rather than to avoid or resist, and to see each moment of being triggered as the signpost that will guide us to what needs healing.

When the lover of the Song turns to the “Daughters of Jerusalem,” they respond to her with calm curiosity. “How is your lover unique?” they ask. And then they open a warm, confident, loving pathway for her journey back to wholeness.

Of course, I am committed to relieving suffering when I can, and protecting those without power, and protecting the Earth Herself, though I don’t always know how.

The Transforming Power of Love

And yet, I wonder, how might I move from the deep conditioning of my fearful avoidance of conflict and discord in the world… to trust in the process of love evolving through discord? How might I become the warm, loving, confident presence that transforms suffering through spacious, compassionate, non-judgmental witness?

Martin Luther King Jr. said, “As my sufferings mounted, I soon realized that there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation – either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course.”

When I see this choice before me, I can turn from my bitterness – rooted in fear, disappointment, despair and the illusion of separateness – and turn towards the possibility of transformation, which includes, embraces and transcends the argument, the discord, the dissonance, and the awful scent of my own bitterness.

I have learned that it is the quality of my loving presence that has the power to transform suffering into a creative force.